I Wish I Could Help Her
by xxToadstool-Queenxx
Summary: Michelle's internal monologue after finding out Carla was in Las Vegas and Carla making her leave the flat.


**A/N: Couldn't sleep so I thought I'd do a bit of midnight writing.**

 **This is just a oneshot of stuff going through Michelle's mind after of tonight's episodes**

I Wish I Could Help Her

I wish I could help her. I wish she would just talk to me and then I could do my best to get her through this. But she won't let me in, she just pushes me away and I don't know what to do to get her to let me in.

She always pushes me away. When she's hurting she shuts everyone else out until she feels alone. Until she feels like she can drown inside herself and no one would ever know. She keeps pushing and pushing but I'm not going anywhere. I love her too much to ever abandon her. However much she wants me to, I'm not going to let her be alone. It hurts when she lashes out. Her words burn but I know that she doesn't mean them. Even if she did, it wouldn't make a difference to me. I still wouldn't leave her because it hurts me even more to see her suffering.

Carla has suffered so much over the years. She had a rough upbringing, her dad was never around and her mum was worse than useless. Carla was the one left to look after herself and Rob while her mum was too drunk to look after them. That made her tough; she could fend for herself alright. But she was too tough. Her defence mechanism is too strong; her walls are built too high. That's why she doesn't let anyone in. She's scared to let people in because she's scared they will hurt her again. I suppose I'm lucky that she manages to let me in as often as she does; but then again I was there during her childhood, I know how difficult it was for her. I guess I understand her… sort of. I understand what she went through better than most people anyway.

I know we haven't always been best mates; sometimes we've hated each other's guts. But we always got through it together in the end. We've been through so much; she doesn't deserve any of the things that have happened to her.

She didn't deserve to have had her heart broken over and over again. She didn't deserve to be raped. She never deserved to lose her baby girl. She doesn't deserve to have the consequences of that fire on her conscience. She never deserved to be put through any of the shit she's been through but life has thrown everything at her.

She's always survived though. It's tough but eventually she gets through everything life throws at her. Well, she has until now. Now she seems to be in a downward spiral without a way back up. I hardly recognise her; it's like she's been broken down into shadows of the person she used to be. And I'm not sure what to do to get the old Carla back. She seems to be hidden inside her shell, trapped, and not able or willing to escape. Maybe be she's just been broken one too many times.

I just want my best friend back. I want the Carla who talked to me about anything and everything back. I want to see the Carla I used to go on wild nights out and dance the night away with. I just want to see her smile and hear her laugh again. I miss seeing her happy. When she's happy I feel happy too. But I haven't seen her happy in such a long time.

Carla has been like a sister to me over the years and I've lost both of my brothers, I can't lose her too. I need to find a way to save her before I lose her forever. I don't think I'd cope if she stayed like this forever, or if she left because it's too painful for her to stay. I wish I could take her pain away. I wish I could take away the burdens of her past and lift all the weight off her shoulders. I wish it was like when Ryan fell over when he was little and I could just put a plaster on it and kiss it better and everything would be okay again. I wish I could, but I can't. And it kills me to know that there isn't just some magic words that will make everything go away.

It kills me to see Carla hurting. And it hurts to see how much she hates herself. She thinks everyone hates her, she thinks no one cares about her but that's not true. So many people care about her, so many people love her but she doesn't see it. She thinks she doesn't deserve out love. She thinks she deserves to be punished so she punishes herself and pushes me away because she wants me to hate her too. But I won't hate her, I could never hate her. I love her too much to even come close. I can't give up on her like she wants me too. She's worth too much for that.

She says she's a bad person but she's not a bad person. She's a good person who has had bad things happen to her. She thinks she has caused all of the destruction in her life but it's not her fault. She blames herself when she isn't to blame. I can't bear the thought of her thinking she isn't good enough, that she isn't worthy of having people love her. She will always be worthy of my love. She is a beautiful person but when she looks in the mirror all she sees is hatred and fear. I wish she didn't hate herself, I wish she wasn't scared. She shouldn't have to be scared. She might be broken but she is still beautiful. She can still be fixed, I still believe in her. She doesn't need to paper over all the cracks only to fall apart again. I know she can recover. I know she is strong even if she doesn't realise it. I just need to make her realise that she deserves to be fixed, that she deserves to be loved and that she deserves to get better.

I wish she would let me help her.


End file.
